life
You-I thought I was a part of your real life.
Them-I thought we signed up for the same thing.
You-Try and help me understand exactly what it is that you signed up for.
Them- I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. I mean...you are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives, you're a...a parenthesis
You-I'm a parenthesis?
Them-I mean...what do you want? Tell me what you want. You don't even know what you want. I'm a grown-up, OK? So if you would like to see me again, then ... then give me a call.
----- A quote from "Up In the Air"
Life. It's a board game. It's a cereal. It's a gift. It's a burden. It's something bestowed upon us the moment we pop out of that thing that girls have and boys don't (unless your Jamie Lee Curtis and you have both...that's how it works right?). Life can bring us happiness beyond our wildest imagination. Life can bring us to our lowest point, wanting to cast it aside and welcome death as our new companion. Whatever life is at any given moment, there is still one day each year that we celebrate our entrance into the world and our lives. Yes. I’m talking about birthdays.
As children, we learn to associate birthdays with cakes and presents and cards and smiles and laughter. Kitchens filled with slivers of smoke that float up to the sky, alongside grand wishes that dissipate through the air, the silent words lingering on your lips, pursed from blowing out the candles.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about birthdays, not only about my own, which has certainly crossed my mind, but also about those of my friends. August is filled with birthdays of my loved ones. Apparently people were really getting down nine months ago—images of now-middle aged parents of friends are now floating in all of your imaginations…success? So much rambling…Anyway, August is crazy with the birthdays. For example, there are three people in my life who share August 11th. Weird. Or something like that.
I always wonder if it’s selfish to want to spend someone’s birthday with them and I still have no idea. If someone doesn’t ask to spend his/her birthday with you, should you take it as an insult? Is asking someone to spend his/her birthday with you pushing it? I guess when I think about my birthday, I want to surround myself with people who I care about and those who care about me. So, then I think if someone doesn’t want to spend their birthday with me whatsoever that they don’t care about me. This is so dumb to write all this down, but I don’t feel like talking about it with people in person. Or anyone in general. But I have to get it out of me before I burst. I guess how I feel is…
I want to celebrate you. I want to be there with you as you celebrate your life. I want to see the smile on your face as you realize that everyone is happy because they are around YOU. You find it hard to believe that people want to be with you. You find it hard to believe that people love you, that you’re worth it…but I always try to help you see the undistorted vision of you.
Probably stupid to feel so genuinely hurt by it. That someone would rather leave himself available in the event that something pops up instead of spending time with someone who tries to boost them up. I am crazy, I think. And this all sounds selfish. I am trying to break it down for myself more…I think…this is all rambling. It’s not my day. It’s yours. Do your thing.
My birthday is important to me and I want to share it with those who I care about. If you don’t want to share with me, I will feel neglected but…what’s another day?
Tonight, I said “I hate you” time after time, in a dark room and through tears, yet I don’t have any idea to whom I was speaking. To you? Or you? Or me? Or all of the above? Sometimes life gets us to sink to our lowest. I’m sinking and gosh it sounds so emo, but I hope something good can happen so I can rise again.
